Dear me….

Dear me,

I can look into your eyes and see the hurt, fear, shame, guilt and so many more emotions that life has served up for you so far. You’ve spent too many days and years trying to please others and be what they wanted you to be always. You will have to learn that the wounds of your past don’t define you. They are a part of you yes, but they are not what you are made of. You are so much more than what has happened to you or the choices that you have made. With each of these things that have happened-rape, abuse, drugs, alcohol, cutting and other self harm, suicide attempts, and so much more, your self-esteem took a big hit and was eventually down to nothing…. You still are enough! Even if you do not believe it.

That night in the closet was truly one of the scariest that you have been through. I know you hold a lot of guilt for hiding away in the closet away from everyone. Stop it! The truth of the matter is that if he did not find you that night, I am quite certain that he would have found another time or opportunity to still do what he did. You did not ask for it. You did not make him feel as though you wanted that. You did NOTHING wrong that night. It is all on him, not you! That moment changed a lot for you. You were not believed and that stung. Again, that is not on you. That is on the people who chose to believe their own version of your story. It happened and you know it so that is all that should matter. You do not need to justify yourself to others. You do not need to beg for the support and love of those around you. It made you feel a lot of shame, especially when you found out you were pregnant with his child, again, that was a result of what he chose to do, not you. It set the tone for a lot in life, but it was not your fault that you lost the baby. Could you imagine bringing up a child that was a product of rape and a daily reminder of him and what he did. It was better this way. There was and is a higher power that was looking over you in these troubling times. Things get better, I promise. You are able to have 3 beautiful children later on in life that you are proud of and that make your heart happy each day. They are much more than this other child would have ever been to you. You had your children when you were in a place in life where you were ready to be a mom. Be grateful for this loss as hard as it may be. You will be better for not having that reminder each day.

I know that from that day choices and mistakes were made that made you fall down sometimes… that is life. Life is full of lessons that we must take and move on from. The things that we experience make our lives what they are. You can either hold on to each of these moments with regret, shame and guilt, or you can shift perception and let them go and know that each one of them held a different meaning and lesson in the person that you were then able to become. You are not the mistakes that you have made in the past. Because of your choices, you do not become a “bad” person. You made it through and came out on the other side stronger and more insightful. You can now teach your children from your past mistakes so they, themselves hopefully do not need to have these same experiences. Even though at some points you wished to no longer be here, you still are. You need to move on and learn to like yourself and hopefully learn to love yourself. You are a great friend even if you feel as though you are not. You are a great daughter even if you are told different. You are a great sister even if others do not feel the same. You need to start to love yourself with the same compassion that you show to others. You are more than your past. You are stronger than you feel. You are smarter than you give yourself credit and you are not the reason that bad thing have happened! It is okay to let it stay in the past. It is okay to move forward and be happy. It is okay to let yourself know that these things that happened were just that… “things” in the grand scheme of things, they are small moments in a much bigger life. You have been chosen to walk this journey and do it with pride. Not everyone would handle life with the grace that you have. You do great things! You are kind and loving to people! You are a good person, wife, mother and in the end that is all that matters. You are there for who need you the most. You will always do for your family everything in your power to make their lives complete, and happy. Be you! Be kind to you! Find the person you are meant to be, she is hidden somewhere deep within yourself!

Love,

Your future self