Stuck

I’m so stuck in more ways than one. While I should feel blessed and grateful to be able to be home and to watch my children thrive, I cannot help but feel cheated and isolated. When is it my turn to be able to just let go and enjoy the moments in the world without having to plan every moment while also preparing backup plan upon back up plan of just in case? I’m so angry all the time lately and I hate it. As the anger builds, the shame also follows and grows as well. How can I be angry when I’m just doing what god intended and just being a mom and taking care of my own children and their needs? I hate that I’m just so angry all the time lately. I’m angry that I can’t get a break, I’m angry that no one just comes to sit with me when I can’t get away, I’m angry that the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I have to navigate all the hard to make life run smoothly, I’m just angry for everything I’m handed and that I feel like I have to justify everything I do and every decision I make without showing how I’m truly struggling and feeling in the moments. I bend over backwards for everyone and I just wish someone would feel I’m worthy of bending over backwards for.

The more I’m home day in and day out, the more sadness that comes in between the anger. I cannot just simply make a plan and stick to it and that is super frustrating and overwhelming lately. My life is dictated by if I can find a little bit of coverage to walk away for a minute and even that minute away takes so much prep work and planning to simply make it happen. This isn’t fair. None of it is fair. Why does it always have to be me who sacrifices time away and potential relationships and connection outside of our home? Why is it always me having to make heavy decisions at the drop of the hat? Why is it always just me???

How do I pick myself up from this low I’m in now when I cannot even see any possible light at the end of the tunnel? I cannot even find a pocket of time to get away and when I do and something goes wrong or not the way it is supposed go at home, it’s so easy to tell myself no and stay home to put out the fire. When did life turn it being a single mom while still in a marriage? I don’t understand how it is like this and how it is always me that needs to put my needs and wants to the side even in times right now that I truly don’t know how much more I can handle or how much more I can take before I buckle and break. I don’t know how to do self care, I don’t know how to do self love because I don’t even know who I am right now…. I don’t know how to fully step away, I don’t know how to shut off the worry in my brain and I certainly just don’t know how to just move through all the emotions right now and just say how I’m feeling and show that I’m truly not okay. I don’t want to be angry all the time, I just want some validation, recognition and someone just to sit with me through the hard and not make me feel like I’m so alone.